When They Don't Show Up

You still have to. Period. 

If the two lines above get you, there is really no need read on. If not, go for it:

Not everyone has been in that awkward position waiting at the airport for a ride that isn't coming or at a restaurant table set for two finishing a drink before peaceing out after its clear that the date just ain't gonna show. But everyone has been let down one way or another.

Showing up doesn't just mean doing favors or physically showing up somewhere, it also manifests as doing what you say you'll do (yes, I'll proof read that column for you), being there emotionally for someone else (call me after you leave your appointment and we'll talk it out),  or giving something your best effort for no reason other than to give it your best. Essentially, showing up means being a person that others can count on.


OK great, so you're someone people can count on...but what happens when we have integrity and others don't?
 


I can tell you what I've done in those situations with some real talk: 

  • If where someone doesn't show up makes me sad, I go all introverted, spend a lot of time alone, and drink more wine.
  • If where someone doesn't show up annoys me I completely avoid them and the subject and withhold any and all ideas.
  • If where someone doesn't show up makes me mad I go immediately to planning what I can do to make that person feel my pain in an attempt to get even.
  • If where someone doesn't show up makes me all of the above, well, lets just say the thought of renting an air bnb somewhere I don't know anyone (stocking it with wine) and completely cutting the person off while plotting my revenge isn't too far off.

And what I've noticed myself doing more recently is this: "I'll show them what showing up looks like" and then make all sorts of changes or plans in reaction to their lack of integrity instead of doing those same things in creation of my own life.

Here's the thing: all of the coping mechanisms above are useless (and there are endless others that are all rubbish). They aren't in line with what I'm up to, who I am or how I want to show up. And when I'm avoiding, withholding, plotting and making decisions/plans out of reaction, I can't show up in any other area of my life (I've tired...the two worlds cannot coexist, like, really. The amount of shitty yoga classes I've taught while in this funk of reaction is shameful...I apologize to all those who attended said classes, I, uh, owe you a coffee...and a hug).
To put it bluntly, I don't have time to fuck around, and neither do you. There are too many important people, places and things that you’re accountable to for you to waste time in reaction to anyone else’s lack of integrity (or blame, more on that another time).
I could go on. There are countless books and blogs written on integrity, on how to pick yourself up and dust yourself off when you feel sad, on living a created life etc. So many, in fact, that I almost didn't write this. But I did, so there you have it. Being let down sucks, but it's really as simple as the first two lines: When they don't show up, you still have to. Period.